A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt hecould not help them
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can helpyou
"On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eyein your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr & Mrs Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens, and told them he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help
"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us
"... Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
An email is like a penis!
* Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastatedif it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it aresomehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but thinkit's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks todayuse it for fun most of the time.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it'shard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use ittoo much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions are it will warp your behavior. Later, you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks todayuse it for fun most of the time.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it'shard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use ittoo much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions are it will warp your behavior. Later, you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
The wild ways of making sex
* Sex in a boat -- oar-gasms.
* Sex with a nerd -- dork-gasms.
* Sex at the entrance to your house -- door-gasms.
* Sex on carpet or linoleum -- floor-gasms.
* Sex at the supermarket -- store-gasms.
* Sex at a Steven King Movie -- horror-gasms.
* Sex with a prostitute -- whore-gasms.
* Sex with an accountant -- bore-gasms.
* Sex while sleeping -- snore-gasms.
* Sex with 'Arthur' -- Dudley Moore-gasms.
* Sex with cartoon donkeys -- Eyeore-gasms.
* Sex while broke -- poor-gasms.
* Sex with a lion -- roar-gasms.
* Sex for hours and hours on end -- sore-gasms.
* Sex on a golf course -- fore-gasms.
* Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) -- more-gasms.
* Sex in a gold mine -- ore-gasms.
* Sex with a dermatologist -- pore-gasms.
* Sex with a politician -- Al Gore-gasms.
* Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers -- s'more-gasms.
* Sex with a bullfighter -- toreador-gasms.
* Sex with a masked man carrying a sword -- zorro-gasms.
* Sex on the beach -- shore-gasms.
* Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- smorgasbord-gasms.
* Sex on a cruise ship deck -- shuffleboard-gasms.
* Sex in Asia -- Singapore-gasms.
* Sex among the wonders of nature -- outdoor-gasms.
* Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can -- odor-gasms.
* Sex on the way to the train -- 'All Aboard'-gasms.
* Sex that wasn't very satisfying -- 'There's the door'-gasms.
* Sex in an adult theater -- hard-core-gasms.
* Sex with someone who's not paying attention -- ignore-gasms.
* Sex with a competitive partner -- score-gasms.
* Sex while flying -- soar-gasms.
* Sex with a beloved partner -- adore-gasms.
* Sex with a meat-eater -- carnivore-gasms.
* Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo -- pompadore-gasms.
* Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes -- velour-gasms.
* Sex while travelling -- tour-gasms.
* Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
* Sex with Beavis and Butthead -- 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
* Sex on stairs at the mall -- escalator-gasms.
* Sex with three of your friends -- four-gasms.
* Sex with a Norse God -- Thor-gasms.
* Sex when resistance is futile -- Borg-gasms.
* Sex with a nerd -- dork-gasms.
* Sex at the entrance to your house -- door-gasms.
* Sex on carpet or linoleum -- floor-gasms.
* Sex at the supermarket -- store-gasms.
* Sex at a Steven King Movie -- horror-gasms.
* Sex with a prostitute -- whore-gasms.
* Sex with an accountant -- bore-gasms.
* Sex while sleeping -- snore-gasms.
* Sex with 'Arthur' -- Dudley Moore-gasms.
* Sex with cartoon donkeys -- Eyeore-gasms.
* Sex while broke -- poor-gasms.
* Sex with a lion -- roar-gasms.
* Sex for hours and hours on end -- sore-gasms.
* Sex on a golf course -- fore-gasms.
* Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) -- more-gasms.
* Sex in a gold mine -- ore-gasms.
* Sex with a dermatologist -- pore-gasms.
* Sex with a politician -- Al Gore-gasms.
* Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers -- s'more-gasms.
* Sex with a bullfighter -- toreador-gasms.
* Sex with a masked man carrying a sword -- zorro-gasms.
* Sex on the beach -- shore-gasms.
* Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- smorgasbord-gasms.
* Sex on a cruise ship deck -- shuffleboard-gasms.
* Sex in Asia -- Singapore-gasms.
* Sex among the wonders of nature -- outdoor-gasms.
* Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can -- odor-gasms.
* Sex on the way to the train -- 'All Aboard'-gasms.
* Sex that wasn't very satisfying -- 'There's the door'-gasms.
* Sex in an adult theater -- hard-core-gasms.
* Sex with someone who's not paying attention -- ignore-gasms.
* Sex with a competitive partner -- score-gasms.
* Sex while flying -- soar-gasms.
* Sex with a beloved partner -- adore-gasms.
* Sex with a meat-eater -- carnivore-gasms.
* Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo -- pompadore-gasms.
* Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes -- velour-gasms.
* Sex while travelling -- tour-gasms.
* Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
* Sex with Beavis and Butthead -- 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
* Sex on stairs at the mall -- escalator-gasms.
* Sex with three of your friends -- four-gasms.
* Sex with a Norse God -- Thor-gasms.
* Sex when resistance is futile -- Borg-gasms.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
A girl's prayer, a boy's prayer
A Girl's Prayer
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen
A Boy's Prayer
Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a beer store.
Amen
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen
A Boy's Prayer
Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a beer store.
Amen
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Wanna know how many days a week you have sex?
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have sex
2. Multiply this number by 2
3. Add 5
4. Multiply by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1749. If you haven't, add 1748.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born
You should now have a three digit number, the first digit of which was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age!
2. Multiply this number by 2
3. Add 5
4. Multiply by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1749. If you haven't, add 1748.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born
You should now have a three digit number, the first digit of which was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age!
Sunday, May 6, 2007
You mean...I can actually check my E-mail from here?!!
An ambitious Yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of hislife... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gumtree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it meltedinto forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used thetools to make the hardware.
The guy is stunned
"Let's row over to my place, " she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.
As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
No thank you," he says, still dazed "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace -- strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... "
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my E-mail from here??"
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gumtree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it meltedinto forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used thetools to make the hardware.
The guy is stunned
"Let's row over to my place, " she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.
As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
No thank you," he says, still dazed "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace -- strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... "
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my E-mail from here??"
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