Dr rises the libido of his patients, and how?

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt hecould not help them
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can helpyou
"On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eyein your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr & Mrs Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens, and told them he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help
"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us
"... Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."

An email is like a penis!

* Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastatedif it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it aresomehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but thinkit's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks todayuse it for fun most of the time.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it'shard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use ittoo much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions are it will warp your behavior. Later, you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

The wild ways of making sex

* Sex in a boat -- oar-gasms.

* Sex with a nerd -- dork-gasms.

* Sex at the entrance to your house -- door-gasms.

* Sex on carpet or linoleum -- floor-gasms.

* Sex at the supermarket -- store-gasms.

* Sex at a Steven King Movie -- horror-gasms.

* Sex with a prostitute -- whore-gasms.

* Sex with an accountant -- bore-gasms.

* Sex while sleeping -- snore-gasms.

* Sex with 'Arthur' -- Dudley Moore-gasms.

* Sex with cartoon donkeys -- Eyeore-gasms.

* Sex while broke -- poor-gasms.

* Sex with a lion -- roar-gasms.

* Sex for hours and hours on end -- sore-gasms.

* Sex on a golf course -- fore-gasms.

* Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) -- more-gasms.

* Sex in a gold mine -- ore-gasms.

* Sex with a dermatologist -- pore-gasms.

* Sex with a politician -- Al Gore-gasms.

* Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers -- s'more-gasms.

* Sex with a bullfighter -- toreador-gasms.

* Sex with a masked man carrying a sword -- zorro-gasms.

* Sex on the beach -- shore-gasms.

* Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- smorgasbord-gasms.

* Sex on a cruise ship deck -- shuffleboard-gasms.

* Sex in Asia -- Singapore-gasms.

* Sex among the wonders of nature -- outdoor-gasms.

* Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can -- odor-gasms.

* Sex on the way to the train -- 'All Aboard'-gasms.

* Sex that wasn't very satisfying -- 'There's the door'-gasms.

* Sex in an adult theater -- hard-core-gasms.

* Sex with someone who's not paying attention -- ignore-gasms.

* Sex with a competitive partner -- score-gasms.

* Sex while flying -- soar-gasms.

* Sex with a beloved partner -- adore-gasms.

* Sex with a meat-eater -- carnivore-gasms.

* Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo -- pompadore-gasms.

* Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes -- velour-gasms.

* Sex while travelling -- tour-gasms.

* Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.

* Sex with Beavis and Butthead -- 'GonnaScore'-gasms.

* Sex on stairs at the mall -- escalator-gasms.

* Sex with three of your friends -- four-gasms.

* Sex with a Norse God -- Thor-gasms.

* Sex when resistance is futile -- Borg-gasms.

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.

A girl's prayer, a boy's prayer

A Girl's Prayer

Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen

A Boy's Prayer
Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a beer store.
Amen

Wanna know how many days a week you have sex?

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have sex

2. Multiply this number by 2

3. Add 5

4. Multiply by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1749. If you haven't, add 1748.

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born

You should now have a three digit number, the first digit of which was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age!

You mean...I can actually check my E-mail from here?!!

An ambitious Yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of hislife... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says.

"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gumtree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it meltedinto forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used thetools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

No thank you," he says, still dazed "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace -- strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... "

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my E-mail from here??"

Seniors' sex guide

* Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

* Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

* Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

* Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

* Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

* Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

* Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

* Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

* If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

* Don't even think about trying it twice.

Five more good leads!!

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for 6 months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

Tommy: "I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

Tommy: "I'll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O'Shanter

Tommy: "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

Tommy: "My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fia Mallory, then?"

Tommy: "Please Father, I cannot tell you

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads!" says Tommy.

You can't have sex without a permit here!

* In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

* If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

* A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

* In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

* A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

* A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

* Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

* Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

* During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

* In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

* In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

* Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

* In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

* A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

* In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

* In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

* The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. (So this is how they plan on getting Clinton).

Sex and the married men

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are.

The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it.

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?"

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

I wanna two piss onn-a my plate!!

I am an Italiano. One day im-a gonna L.A. to bigg-a hotel. In-a morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tell-a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tell-a her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onn-a my plate. She say you better no piss onn-a plate, you son of a bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me son of a bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigg-a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tell-a her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell-a her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you son of a bitch.

So I go back to my room in-a hotel and there is no shits onn-a my bed. I call-a the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wann-a shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onn-a bed, you son of a bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you son of a bitch, I gonna back to Italy!

Sex is dirty only if it’s done right!!

Murphy's Sex Laws

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going
to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand
years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the
garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

26. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

28. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

29. Love is a hole in the heart.

30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

32. Do it only with the best.

33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

38. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

39. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

41. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

45. Never say no.

46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

51. Love comes in spurts.

52. The world does not revolve on an axis.

53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

55. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

59. “This won’t hurt, I promise."

How do you know if you are in love, lust or marriage?

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are checks

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score

How they have sex

* ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

* ACTORS do it on cue.

* ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

* AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

* ANSI does it in the standard way

* ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

* ARCHITECTS have great plans.

* ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

* ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

* ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

* ATTORNEYS make better motions.

* AUDITORS like to examine figures.

* BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

* BAILIFFS always come to order.

* BAKERS knead it daily.

* BAND MEMBERS play all night.

* BANKERS do it with interest -- penalty for early withdrawal.

* BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

* BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

* BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

* BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

* BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

* BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

* BEER DRINKERS get more head.

* BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

* BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

*BOSSES delegate the task to others.

* BOWLERS have bigger balls.

* BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

* BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

* BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

* BUTCHERS have better meat.

* C'Bers do it on the air.

* CAMPERS do it in a tent.

* CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

* CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

* CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

* CHEMISTS like to experiment.

* CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

* CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

* CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

* CLOWNS do it for laughs.

* COACHES whistle while they work.

* COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

* COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

* COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

* COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

* CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

* CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

* COPS have bigger guns.

* COWBOYS handle anything horny.

* COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

* CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

* CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

* DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

* DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

* DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

* DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

* DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

* DETECTIVES do it under cover.

* DIETICIANS eat better.

* DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

* DIVERS do it deeper.

* DOCTORS do it with patience.

* DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

* DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

* DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

* ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

* ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

* EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

* FARMERS spread it around.

* FIREMEN are always in heat.

* FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

* FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

* FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

* FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

* GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

* GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

* GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

* GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

* GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

* GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

* HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

* HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

* HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

* HANDYMEN like good screws.

* HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

* HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

* HUNTERS do it with a bang.

* INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

* INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

* INVENTORS find a way.

* JANITORS clean up afterwards.

* JEWELERS mount real gems.

* JOGGERS do it on the run.

* LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

* LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

* LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

* LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

* LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

* MACHINISTS make the best screws.

* MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

* MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

* MANAGERS supervise others.

* MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

* MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

* MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

* MINERS sink deeper shafts.

* MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

* MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

* MODELS do it in any position.

* MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

* MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

* MOVIE STARS do it on film.

* MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

* NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

* NURSES call the shots.

* OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

* OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

* OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

* PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

* PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

* PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

* PILOTS keep it up longer.

* PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

* POLICEMEN like big busts.

* POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

* POSTMEN come slower.

* PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

* PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

* PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

* PROFESSORS do it by the book.

* RACERS like to come in first.

* RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.

* RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

* REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

* RECYCLERS use it again.

* REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

* REPORTERS do it daily.

* RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

* RETAILERS move their merchandise.

* ROOFERS do it on top.

* RUNNERS get into more pants.

* SAILORS like to be blown.

* SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

* SCIENTISTS discovered it.

* SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

* SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

* SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

* SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

* SPELUNKERS do it underground.

* SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

* STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

* STUDENTS use their heads.

* SURGEONS are smooth operators.

* TAILORS make it fit.

* TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

* TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

* TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

* TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

* TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

* TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

* TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

* TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

* VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

* VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

* WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

* WATER SKIERS come down harder.

* WELDERS have hotter rods.

* WRESTLERS know the best holds.

* WRITERS have novel ways.

* ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

No glove, no love!

The best possible slogans to promote wearing condoms among the male sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong

7. If you're not goin' to sack it, go home and whack it

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go in heat, package your meat

13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, zip up your rouser house

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armour will never harm her

21. No glove, no love!

22. If gonna have it off, have it on

It's a very handy thing

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"

On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?" "Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."

Always keep your condoms in your car!!

My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once...

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

A peep into the sex lives of people around the world

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

* The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and took one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming

* The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps bïtching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining

* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions

* The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling the two Australian men 'bloody wankers'.

* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

* The Irish began my dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.